Conspiracy theory

*I wrote the following blog post at the beginning of the year, when I was zombiefied and struggling.  Along with Sewing is good for the Soul, I tried to write what I was feeling, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to post them.  Unfortunately, although I try to be honest about being a mummy, the good, the bad and the ugly bits, sometimes it's hard to admit you are struggling to cope.  

I will try to be stronger in the future and post what I write in the hope that it will help someone else out there that's going through the same; if you are, it does get better, easier and sleep does come eventually, but I know that doesn't help you right now.  Be strong and talk to somebody about it, drink wine and sleep when you get the chance!

Here it is:

I am convinced my children are conspiring against me.   It must be when they look like they're having cute baby conversations, Harri chats away to Alice, Alice giggles and gabbles back at him- I'm normally cooing at them or trying capture it all on camera.  It all looks very innocent and sweet.  I think I might have to separate them in future.

What are they plotting about?

Ruining my life.

Ok this might be slightly over dramatic. But they are definitely out to ensure that I don't get any amount of decent sleep. I got roughly 3 hours last night broken into tiny weeny bits that are so small they don't even count as sleep in my book.

It was all fantastic at first, Alice was an unbelievable sleeper for such a young thing.  We even had one week when she was about 10 weeks old where she slept for 9 hours every night for five nights!  And then she was poorly. All sleep went out the window; which you can understand and don't mind so much. Unfortunately since then she seems to have forgotten that night times are for sleeping. Great.

My toddler is another story; he wakes inexplicably at night. It seems random and for different lengths each night.  I wouldn't mind if he could entertain himself while he was awake, but he insists in having one of us sat beside him.

*I was exhausted after months of sleep deprivation and at times I wanted to swap my life for someone else's, anyone else's who didn't have children.  Suddenly those career women who don't want kids seemed to have got it right.  I was feeling trapped in my life, I'd made my bed and I had to lie in it... not that I got to do that very much! I don't think it helped that this coincided with the darkest (literally and metaphorically) months of the year, January and February.  Apparently most people get divorced in January, I can now understand that.  

For some reason, us mothers, think that by admitting we are finding it difficult to juggle two small children (or even one) on zero hours sleep, we are weak and unfit parents.  I'm not sure whether I create this pressure for myself or whether society does inflict it on to us.  But I hope that if you are finding it hard, it is hard, that you can ask someone to help out and get a few hours rest. I'm extremely fortunate to have a wonderful, supportive husband, who does more than his fair share of the parenting! I also have a great support network, my parents-in-law just live up the road, yet I still find it difficult to cope with the demands of a baby and toddler at times.  I know some of you are less fortunate, you live miles away from family and friends; but please don't struggle alone, talk to someone and the load will feel a little less.  

Daddy doing his parenting bit

I can now look back at the beginning of the year and see the progress that we've made since then.  My baby is sleeping much better, although she wakes a few times each night, but only briefly and putting the dummy in sends her back to sleep.  My little boy has recently had grommets put in both his ears, and this, along with us trying to be stronger at bedtime and leaving him to fall asleep on his own, means he is sleeping all night most nights.  I am feeling like I have reclaimed some sanity and some sense of my old self from the depths of motherhood!  Getting out without the kids every now and then helps massively and seeing great family and friends helps too.  

I've gradually got to a place where I am much happier and although I was struggling for only a couple of months (a tiny amount of time in the grand scheme of things) when you are in it, it seems never ending.  

I hope we mothers can start talking openly to each other about how hard we find it, as well as discussing the comical and lovely moments motherhood brings.  We need to help each other out here. Go phone a friend. 


Happy talking!